This weekend has been a roller coaster of emotions for
me. In all honesty stronger emotions
than I have ever felt. I am naturally an emotional person; sometimes I feel
that I’m way too emotional. It is something I’ve always struggled with. Crying
over anything- when I’m angry, sad, nervous, happy, literally anything. I
understand that sometimes it’s totally fine and normal to be emotional but
sometimes it’s super inconvenient. So, back to my weekend… I was so relieved to
be done with my interview for the internship and felt relief; finally it was
over; unfortunately that didn’t last long.
There are always things you wish you would have said or things you wish you hadn’t and I was talking to my sister about my responses and what I wish I would’ve said and so on. Well, I’m a venter, when there is something bothering me I usually feel better after writing it down and expressing it or talking things through. But for some reason I couldn’t let this go. My mind was constantly replaying everything to the point where I felt tormented and couldn’t sleep. So that night I got up and wrote the post that I did and felt a little better. I got through the work day on Friday very tired and drained from my restless sleep and all that I could think about was the internship, my school, my 2 jobs and how in the world was I going to do it all. My answer, I wasn’t. I had made a huge mistake in applying for that internship. I do struggle with anxiety; I never really paid much attention until one of my family members brought it up to me once about how I internalize a lot of my anxiety until I eventually will get sick, or have real bad stomach aches. I hold it in. Well I could feel the knots in my stomach, and I could feel the fear trying to push its way up. More like shove… it felt like a burning in my stomach and up through my chest. Like, fear just clamped onto my lungs making it hard for me to breath. I realized I absolutely did not want to do the internship; there was no way I could possibly do it at all! I prayed and actually begged God to deny my application. I told him over and over that I couldn’t do it, there is no way I could do it. He was speaking to me that he never gives me more than I could handle and I just told him that it was absolutely more than I could handle.
There was no way. I was so worked up in fact that the whole weekend I avoided Facebook all together because I didn’t want any reminders about church, the internship anything.
There are always things you wish you would have said or things you wish you hadn’t and I was talking to my sister about my responses and what I wish I would’ve said and so on. Well, I’m a venter, when there is something bothering me I usually feel better after writing it down and expressing it or talking things through. But for some reason I couldn’t let this go. My mind was constantly replaying everything to the point where I felt tormented and couldn’t sleep. So that night I got up and wrote the post that I did and felt a little better. I got through the work day on Friday very tired and drained from my restless sleep and all that I could think about was the internship, my school, my 2 jobs and how in the world was I going to do it all. My answer, I wasn’t. I had made a huge mistake in applying for that internship. I do struggle with anxiety; I never really paid much attention until one of my family members brought it up to me once about how I internalize a lot of my anxiety until I eventually will get sick, or have real bad stomach aches. I hold it in. Well I could feel the knots in my stomach, and I could feel the fear trying to push its way up. More like shove… it felt like a burning in my stomach and up through my chest. Like, fear just clamped onto my lungs making it hard for me to breath. I realized I absolutely did not want to do the internship; there was no way I could possibly do it at all! I prayed and actually begged God to deny my application. I told him over and over that I couldn’t do it, there is no way I could do it. He was speaking to me that he never gives me more than I could handle and I just told him that it was absolutely more than I could handle.
There was no way. I was so worked up in fact that the whole weekend I avoided Facebook all together because I didn’t want any reminders about church, the internship anything.
Saturday night I was doing my devotionals before bed and I
was reading out of a Joyce Meyer’s devotional, “New Day, New You,” The devotion
was titled, “Are you living by your emotions? She basically talks about how our
carnal, uncrucified emotions will try and move us away from the will of God. “It’s Satan’s plan for us to live by our carnal
feelings so we never walk in the spirit.” She also explains that our
emotions are complex and not easy to explain and sometimes God wants us to do
something but our emotions want nothing to do with what God is asking us to do.
They give us no support which makes it harder for us to Listen to God and do
what He says! She concludes the devotion
by saying that, “I firmly believe that no
person will ever walk in God’s will- and ultimately in victory-if he takes
counsel with his emotions.”
Some people may be like okay God I’ll do it. I was not happy
when I read it. I literally remember closing the book and saying, “That is not
what I wanted to hear!” Another thing God has been speaking to me about is
choosing Faith over Fear. A couple weeks ago I found out I was going to have to
go back to subbing at my job instead of having a permanent position at one
school. I am a shy person so going from school to school where you don’t know
anyone every day is nerve-wracking for me. But as I prayed about where they
unsettled feeling I had was my nerves or God moving me he told me I needed to
serve Faith or Fear. I took a deep breath and said, Faith, of course if this is
what you want you’ll help me through it.” And I have really enjoyed being back
to work in the couple classes I’ve been in since we started last week.
Saturday night when I was dealing with all the anxiety over
this internship I heard him speak to me again, You have to choose faith or fear.” Unfortunately I was not so
trusting and said, Fear, I know I can’t do this so please don’t let me get the
internship.” I would just like to say that I am so, so, so, incredibly grateful
that God is forgiving and patient and loving. It makes me cry how much he loves
us. I know this post is long but I need to get it out so please bear with me.
I woke up Sunday tired and not feeling super refreshed, so I lay in bed and was reading a devotion by Joel Osteen. The scripture he used… 1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” This scripture is one of my constant go to verses I live by and as soon as I read it I was like uh-oh. He talked about casting all our cares on God… “Today, cast all of your anxiety on Him by choosing to trust that He is going to take care of you. Refuse to dwell on your problems and don’t allow them to steal your peace and joy any longer. Instead, choose to meditate on His Word and confess God’s promises over your life. Cast your cares on Him and experience His peace, joy and blessing all the days of your life!”
I woke up Sunday tired and not feeling super refreshed, so I lay in bed and was reading a devotion by Joel Osteen. The scripture he used… 1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” This scripture is one of my constant go to verses I live by and as soon as I read it I was like uh-oh. He talked about casting all our cares on God… “Today, cast all of your anxiety on Him by choosing to trust that He is going to take care of you. Refuse to dwell on your problems and don’t allow them to steal your peace and joy any longer. Instead, choose to meditate on His Word and confess God’s promises over your life. Cast your cares on Him and experience His peace, joy and blessing all the days of your life!”
After Saturday night and this morning I started to think
maybe God was trying to tell me something.
I was anxious going to church today just with everything I was feeling
but as soon as I walked in the doors I felt a peace. I joked around with one of
the Pastors and immediately I thought, I can do this!
My Pastor, Pastor Dave, has been preaching a series this
month called the Fast and Furious. Well today he began talking about fear! He
actually said, “Choose Faith or Fear, you can’t do both!” I was serving doing
the camera but when he was preaching I knew God was talking to me! I knew he had always been talking to me but it had finally reached my heart.
If God wants me to do the internship he will make a way for me to do it. I can do nothing in my own strength, it has to be only with His help. I don’t want to give in to my fear and walk away from his will for my life and a missed opportunity. I have lived in fear of things in this life for too long and lost great opportunities. I truly believe that God is with me now and that He will be with me through the entire year and beyond…So we'll see what happens :)
If God wants me to do the internship he will make a way for me to do it. I can do nothing in my own strength, it has to be only with His help. I don’t want to give in to my fear and walk away from his will for my life and a missed opportunity. I have lived in fear of things in this life for too long and lost great opportunities. I truly believe that God is with me now and that He will be with me through the entire year and beyond…So we'll see what happens :)
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